News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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