Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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