So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
