dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
