talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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