If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
