she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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