She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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