Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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