I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
