Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
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