Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
