They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
