I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
