If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
