Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
