The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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