Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
