i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
