So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
