He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
