Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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