3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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