At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
