I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
