true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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