Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
