Buhtt sex?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just pee around me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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