I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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