Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
