I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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