I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
