apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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