No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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