My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
