The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
