why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
