I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
