I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
