I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
