i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
