Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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