guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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