if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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