our cab driver is having phone sex.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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