am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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