Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
