Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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