he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Verdict: uncircumcised.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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