I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
