I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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